I Would Bet On Any Given Friday, Kisses Begin With Miller. Not Kay.

Normally, I don't pay too much attention to the forwarded emails, but this one I got from my friend Sarah is just right on.

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I
can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that
I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more
directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to
drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire
with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that
you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you
are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and
walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to
first do something like check your watch or phone or make a
grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one
in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly
switching directions on the sidewalk.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it
wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that
would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that,
but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no
internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out.
Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger
and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on
when20I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it
actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll
end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm
that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I
laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to
prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each
hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying
to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to
the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing
else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom
and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a
Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the
Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual
stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat
you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street
smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary
smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars
teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay
strong, brothers!

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in
the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that
their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning
who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546
pictures? Don't mind if I do!

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their
offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has
to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get
so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm
from; this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing
an ything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I
don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you
are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too
far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it
asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research
paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash
this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but
will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing
we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before
they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends
after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for
China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly
certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are
executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times
and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer?
Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something
she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some
light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on
shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my
iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal
cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate
drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I
always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a
kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment
will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in
college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know
what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the
Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and
push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds,
eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what
would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I
respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com
and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone
they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday
or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the
bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In
other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a
second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must
be at least four people eating to require such a large amount
of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like
being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.